


I blame myself

by who_seeks_shall_find



Series: Life as I see it [80]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Imprisonment, Recovered Memories, Self-Blame, Self-Hatred, complicated feelings, post-season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 02:26:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15764709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/who_seeks_shall_find/pseuds/who_seeks_shall_find
Summary: Felicity is over-thinking because she misses Oliver. She's sure she let Oliver take the fall for her when he went to prison. Luckily, John is there to tell her how things actually are.





	I blame myself

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part of a series about Oliver's imprisonment and a year after it. This drabble takes place during Oliver's imprisonment. Oliver has been in prison for 153 days.
> 
> The series will be updated once a day (if it's just possible). It's going to include 122 drabbles about Oliver, Felicity, William and other characters who are involved in their lives. It's going to take approximately four months to finish the series. The drabbles are linked to each other but they're NOT in a CHRONOLOGICAL order. That's why, there may also be gaps or blanks which are filled in later.
> 
> I wish that every character is respected without unnecessary hatred.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Felicity ran her hands over face and sighed deeply. She was sitting in her favorite chair in the living room and she couldn’t help but feel desperate. Oliver had been in prison over four and half months and Felicity was missing him like a crazy. She wanted to feel him near her. She wanted to hug him and she wanted to talk to him. She was sure she already needed him more than oxygen. She wasn’t even angry with him anymore or at least she was ready to ignore her anger. She just needed him to come home to his family.

Felicity bit her bottom lip nervously and entwined her fingers. She looked down at his hands which were resting in her lap. Lately she had been thinking Oliver’s imprisonment was her fault. Maybe she had let Oliver take the fall for her and for the rest of the team. They all should have suffered from the mistakes and choices they had made. It felt wrong that Oliver took all the responsibility. None of the members of the team had followed Oliver blindly. Everyone had been well aware of what kind work they were doing. 

Felicity sighed and shook her head. The whole situation was like a déjà vu. She had gone through this before when Cooper went to prison. Felicity still felt guilty for Cooper taking all the blame for the code she had written. She hadn’t been the one who used it to erase student loans but she had written it. Sometimes it felt like she had given a gun although she wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger. Wasn’t it what she had also done when she worked with Oliver? She gave Oliver intel and helped him although she wasn’t the one who shot arrows. She should be in prison as well.

Felicity lifted her head as she heard her bodyguard talking to someone. Then she heard John’s voice saying: “You can take a break. I’m going to be with her.”

“Thank you, sir,” Felicity’s bodyguard answered.

John walked to the living room and offered her a small smile. Felicity gulped as the blood drained from her face. She jumped up to her feet and asked worriedly: “Is William okay? Is Oliver okay? Was he attacked in prison?”

“Whoa, Felicity. Sit down. Everyone is fine. William is still at school and Oliver is still in…” John answered but his voice trailed off as he mentioned Oliver. 

Felicity nodded in understanding and slumped in her chair again. John gave her an approving smile which Felicity tried to return. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to smile. She cleared her throat and crossed her fingers in her lap. She didn’t look at John as she asked quietly: “Why are you here if you’re not bringing bad news?”

“Oh, Felicity,” John said and walked over to her. He knelt right in front of her and buried her hands in his. Felicity could feel his warmness and truth to be told, it felt good. Felicity had missed comforting and someone taking care of her for a change.

“I just came to check on you. Nothing bad has happened,” John explained and rubbed her hands. He mumbled: “Your hands are ice cold.”

A tear rolled down her cheek and she looked at John straight in the eye. John shook his head and repeated: “Oh, Felicity.”

“I’m so tired, John,” Felicity whispered.

John raised his hand and stroked Felicity’s cheekbone before saying: “I know.”

“I’m so tired and it’s all my fault,” Felicity confessed and her tears started streaming down her cheeks uncontrollably.

John frowned with confusion and asked worriedly: “What are you talking about, Felicity.”

“I let Oliver take the fall for me – for us. I should have gone to prison instead of him. William deserves his father to be here,” Felicity explained through her tears.

“Felicity, I don’t know what you’re talking about but I’m sure you shouldn’t be in prison. Why do you even think so?” John asked with growing concern.

“I have felt so guilty for so long. Cooper went to prison and I walked. Oliver went to prison and I walked. I went on with my life when someone else took the responsibility and I was unpunished. I’m such a coward,” Felicity explained and took a ragged breath.

John listened to her carefully and shook his head after her explanation. He wrinkled his nose and exhaled slowly before saying: “Felicity Megan Smoak, you’re not a coward. Don’t ever again say that. Never.”

Felicity opened her mouth to argue but John held his hand up. Felicity’s argument died on her lips and she snapped her mouth shut. John smiled at her softly and continued: “Cooper and Oliver made their own choices.”

“But I have helped them,” Felicity insisted.

“Yes, you have. Without you our team wouldn’t be alive. Without you Oliver might still be a killer. Oliver always says how he’s a better man because of you but it’s not only Oliver whom you make a better man. You’re my best friend and you make me a better person,” John said and drew small circles on her knuckles.

Felicity opened her mouth but the sound didn’t follow. She sniffled and she didn’t even bother to wipe her tears away. She wanted to say how much John meant to her but she couldn’t find the right words. She opened her mouth again and said quietly: “You also make me a better person. You and Oliver have given me a purpose.”

John nodded and Felicity could see a glint in his eyes. John cleared his throat and said in a thick voice: “That’s also the reason why you shouldn’t be in prison. You have a purpose and it’s greater than going to prison.”

“Sometimes this whole mess just reminds me of Cooper. I felt guilty for so long and there are still days when I think of how different his life would have been if I hadn’t written that piece of code. I should have stepped forward and take the blame. Maybe I should step forward now,” Felicity reasoned out loud as she tried to convince John.

“Felicity, listen to me. You’re not thinking straight because of your pain. You miss Oliver so much and you’re trying to find ways to redirect your pain. It has become too painful to think of Oliver non-stop, am I right?” John asked and Felicity looked at her friend with wide eyes.

John smiled at her softly and went on: “It took me a long time before I understood why Oliver always blamed himself for everything. There are still days when I don’t get it. Yet, I think it’s all about redirecting his pain. For him it’s actually easier to blame himself than face the problem as it is. For Oliver it’s easier to justify the pain when he can blame himself for it. He thinks he deserves the pain if his choices are behind it. Don’t you go down that road.” 

John explained and Felicity’s heart clenched as she realized John was right. It was so Oliver. He always believed he deserved to be punished and he usually thought he had made a decision which caused pain. Maybe Felicity was also doing it when she insisted she should be sent to prison. She had needed a reason for her pain and she had wanted to blame herself. She had needed a way to redirect her pain instead of dealing with it. 

Felicity had to shake her head and she took a deep breath. She looked at John’s brown eyes as he studied her face. She offered him a tight smile and John nodded in approval. Then he said: “That’s better. You can be sad and you can miss Oliver but I want you to talk about it before you jump in weird conclusions.”

“Thank you, John,” Felicity said and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

John pressed his hand against the back of Felicity’s head and said in her ear: “Any time. It’s what friends are for, right?”

“Right,” Felicity answered and buried her face in his shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> Update for tomorrow:  
> Oliver thinks he always deserves pain and it breaks Felicity's heart.


End file.
